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Primus lyrics
Album: Animals Should Not Try to Act Like People [2003]
| The Carpenter and the Dainty Bride | |
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To the carpenter and the dainty bride
The grass appears greener on the other side
So let's clarify before we unite
That the grass in never greener on the other side
To the carpenter said the dainty bride
I pledge to you my love tonight
But I will not hesitate to euthanize
If the grass becomes greener on the other side
Said the carpenter to the dainty bride
I would never do a thing to jeopardize
This union I consider prize
Grass never will be greener on the other side
To the preacher man said the dainty wife
He thought the grass was greener on the other side
So I buried in his belly my butcher knife
And ended these years of wretched strife
Said the preacher man to the guilty wife
Though the law may give you twenty years to life
Pray forgiveness in the Father's eyes
And the grass just may be greener on the other side
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| Pilcher's Squad | |
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Sgt. Pilcher, Sgt. Pilcher, ingenious Sgt. Pilcher
He's found a way to make them pay
For the deviant things they do and say
Pilcher, Sgt. Pilcher, quick-witted Sgt. Pilcher
He's a dutiful man with his task at hand
And he's bound to insure with his master plan
The purity of the motherland, Sgt. Pilcher
In October of 1968 in the heart of Montague Square
There was rumor of some deviation
So Pilcher's Squad was there
Though it was determined before the intrudence
The flat was fully clear
When Pilcher arrived and made his inspection
The hashing magically appeared
Sgt. Pilcher, Sgt. Pilcher, ingenious Sgt. Pilcher
He's found a way to make them pay
For the deviant things they do and say
Pilcher, Sgt. Pilcher, quick-witted Sgt. Pilcher
He's a dutiful man with his task at hand
And he's bound to insure with his master plan
The purity of the motherland, Sgt. Pilcher
In March of 1969 on return from the store
Patty Harrison found Pilcher's squad waiting at her door
Planting tidbits on the pop-stars seemed quite the thing to do
'Till it landed Pilcher in the pokie in 1972
Sgt. Pilcher, Sgt. Pilcher, ingenious Sgt. Pilcher
He's found a way to make them pay
For the deviant things they do and say
Pilcher, Sgt. Pilcher, quick-witted Sgt. Pilcher
He's a dutiful man with his task at hand
And he's bound to insure with his master plan
The purity of the motherland, Sgt. Pilcher
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| Mary the Ice Cube | |
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I once had an ice cube, pretty little ice cube
Now it's gone, now it's gone
Her name was Mary, pretty little ice cube
Now she's gone, now she's gone
She was so shiny, my pretty little ice cube
Now she's gone
Where's she gone?
She's gone with the others, the shiny little ice cubes
Movin' on, movin' on
She's gone
Doesn't nothing ever last forever?
I miss my ice cube, pretty little ice cube
Since she's withdrawn
I held her in my hand, my chilly little ice cube
Was it wrong? Was it wrong?
She slipped away, my moist little ice cube, to olblivion
Oblivion!
She left me standing with tears on my face, on the lawn
So I wrote this song
Pretty little ice cube where have you gone?
Doesn't nothing ever last forever?
It's been declared that it's not wise to prize something too much
I just wish to find something to fondle and to touch so gently
Doesn't nothing ever last forever?
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| The Last Superpower aka Rapscallion | |
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I got blood in my gas tank, bones in my steel
I eat California condor for my Thanksgiving meal
I'm the last superpower, I'm a son of a loaded gun
I'm Rapscallion
When I was young and shiny boy, I tried to dig my way to China
I met the Rapscallion, En route from South Carolina
Then he told me "I don't like, I don't like you"
He said "I'm searching for a colored man"
I said "what colors have you seen?"
He said "I seen 'em black and brown and red
But, but, but the one I seek is green"
Then he told me "I don't like, I don't like you"
I'm Rapscallion
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| My Friend Fats | |
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, he's a hell fo a guy.
Let me tell you why.
He's the epitome of neighborly.
My friend Fats, he's a hell fo a guy.
Let me tell y'all why.
He drips personality.
My friend Fats, he's a heck of a Joe.
You should watch him go,
Bopping in the band shine
With a bota pag of fried wine.
My friend Fats, he's a hell fo a guy.
Let me tell you why.
He's lowbrow nobility.
My friend Fats, he's a jovial sort.
When he's holding court,
The anecdotes go round
And the lager goes down.
My friend Fats, he's a hell fo a guy.
And just as long as he's high
He has no anxiety
About his chemical dependencies.
Fats has no concerns about the candle that burns
Both ends simultaneous,
Both ends simultaneous.
My friend Fats, he's a hell fo a guy.
Let me tell y'all why.
Not much for ponctuality,
But heck on debauchery.
Fats, he's a hell of a man,
Can't y'all understand.
Him taunting his mortality,
He's unnerved by sobriety.
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| John the Fisherman | |
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When he was young you'd not find him doing well in school,
His mind would turn unto the waters.
Always the focus of adolescent ridicule,
He has no time for farmer's daughters.
Alienated from the clique society,
A lonely boy finds peace in fishing.
His mother says john this is not the way life's supposed to be.
Don't you see the life that you are missing?
And he says...
When I grow up I want to be,
One of the harvesters of the sea.
I think before my days are done,
I want to be a fisherman.
Now years gone by we find man that rules the sea.
He sets out on a dark may morning .
To bring his catch back to this small community.
He doesn't see the danger dawning.
Four hours up, oh the ocean swelled and swelled,
The fog rolled in it started raining.
The starboard bow. oh my God we're going down!
The do not hear his frantic mayday.
And he says
When I grow up I want to be,
One of the harvesters of the sea.
I think before my days are done,
I want to be a fisherman.
I'll live and die a fisherman.
Calling john the fisherman.
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| Too Many Puppies | |
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Too many puppies are being shot in the dark.
Too many puppies are trained not to bark.
At the sight of blood that must be spille dso that
We may maintain our oil fields.
Too many puppies
Too many puppies are taught to heal.
Too many puppies are trained to kill.
On the command of men wearing money belts that buy
Mistresses sleek animal pelts.
Too many puppies.
Too many puppies with guns in their hands.
Too many puppies in foreign lands.
Are dressed up sharp in suits of green and
Placed upon the war machine.
Too many puppies are just like me.
Too many puppies are afraid to see.
The visions of the past brought to life again,
Too many puppies, too many dead men.
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| Jerry Was a Race Car Driver | |
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Jerry was a race car driver
And he drove so goddamned fast
He never did win no checkered flag
But he never did come in last
Jerry was a race car driver
He'd say el solo number one
With a bocephus sticker
On his 442 he'd light 'em up
Just for fun
Captain pierce was a fireman
Richmond engine #3
I'll be a wealthy man when I get
A dime for all the things that
Man taught to me
Captain pierce was a strong man
Strong as any man alive
It stuck in his craw that they
Made him retire at the age of 65
Jerry was a race car driver
22 years old
Had too many cold beers one night
And wrapped himself around a telephone pole.
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| Tommy the Cat | |
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"Well I remember it as though it were a meal ago...."
Said tommy the cat as he reeled back to clear
whatever foreign matter may have nestled its way
into his mighty throat. Many a fat alley rat had met its
demise while staring point blank down the carnivorous barrel of this
awesome prowling machine. Truly a wonder of nature this urban
predator. Tommy the cat had many a story to tell, but it was
a rare occasion such as this, that he did...
"Well she came slidin down the alleyway like butter drippin'
off a hot biscuit. The aroma, the mean scent, was enough to arouse
suspicion in even the oldest of the Tigers that hung around the
hot spot in those days. The sight was beyond belief.
Many a head snapped double, even triple takes as
the vivacious feline made her way into the delta of the
alleyway where the most virile young tabbys were
known to hang out. They hung in droves!
Such a multitude of masculinity could only be found in one place
And that was O'Malleys Alley!"
"The air was thick with cat calls, no pun intended,
But not even a muscle in her neck did twitch as she
sauntered up into the heart of the alleyway.
She knew what she wanted!
She was lookin for that... stud bull!
she was looking for that, he cat....
And that was me."
"Tommy the Cat is my name!!!
And I say unto thee..."
Say baby do you wanna lay down with me
Say baby do you wanna lay down by my side
Ah baby do you wanna lay down with me
Say baby? Say baby?!
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| My Name Is Mud | |
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My name is mud
Not to be confused with bill or jack or pete or dennis
My name is mud and it's always been
'cause I'm the most boring sons-a-bitch you've ever seen
I dress in blue-yes navy blue
From head to toe I'm rather drab except my patent shoes
I make 'em shine, well most the time
'cept today my feet are troddin' on by this friend of mine
Six foort two and rude as hell
I got to get him in the ground before he starts to smell
My name is mud
My name is mud, but call me alowishus devadander abercrombie
That's long for mud so I've been told
Told that by this sonsabitch that lies before me bloated blue and cold
I've got my pride, I drink my wine
I'd drink the finest except I haven't earned a dime in several months
Or were it years
The breath on that fat bastard could bring any man to tears
We had our words, a common spat
So I kissed him upside the cranium with an aluminum baseball bat
My name is mud
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| Mr. Krinkle | |
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Hello Mr. Krinkle
How are you today?
Seems the rumors are about
your team might move away
Now, me I'm sentimental
But I'm not one to cry
Say there Mr. Krinkle
let's cruise the Bastard boat
Damn then sonsabitches
with their gill-nets set afloat
I flip on my tele and I watch the waters die
C'mon Mr. Krinkle tell me why
Hey ho Mr. Krinkle
have you heard the brand new sound
It's a cross between Jimi Hendrix
Bocephus, Cher and James Brown
It's called "Heavy Hometown"
New Wave, cold-filtered, low-calorie dry
C'mon Mr. Krinkle tell me why
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| DMV | |
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I've been to hell. I spell it...i spell it dmv
Anyone that's been there knows precisely what I mean
Stood there and I've waited and choked back the urge to scream
And if I had my druthers I'd screw a chimpanzee-call it pointless
When I need relief I spell it thc
Perhpas you may know vaguely what I mean
I sit back and smoke away huge chunks of memory
As I slowly inflict upon myself a full lobotomy-call it pointless
Barbecues, tea kettles, gobs of axle grease
There comes a time for every man to sail the seas of cheese
Now, life's a bowl of bagel dogs, but there are unpleasantries
Cold toilet seats, dentist chairs and trips to dmv-call it pointless
I've been to hell. I spell it...i spell it dmv
Anyone that's been there knows precisely what I mean
I've stood in line and waited near an hour and fifteen
And if I had my druthers I'd screw that chimpanzee-call it pointless
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| Wynona's Big Brown Beaver | |
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Wynona's got herself a big brown beaver
And she shows it off to all her friends.
One day, you know, that beaver tried to leave her,
So she caged him up with cyclone fence.
Along came lou with the old baboon
And said recognize that smell?
Smells like seven layers,
That beaver eats taco bell.
Now rex he was a texan out of new orleans
And he travelled with the carnival shows.
He ran bumper cars, sucked cheap cigars
And he candied up his nose.
He got wind of the big brown beaver
So he though he'd take himself a peek,
But the beaver was quick
And grabbed him by the kiwis.
Now he ain't pissed for a week.
(and a half!)
Now wynona took her big brown beaver,
And she stuck him up in the air.
Said I sure do love this big brown beaver
And I wish I did have a pair.
Now the beaver onces slept for seven days
And it gave us all an awful fright.
So I tickled his chin and I gave him a pinch
And the bastard tried to bite me.
Wynona loved her big brown beaver
And she stroked him all the time.
She pricked her finger one day and it
Occurred to her she might have a porcupine.
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| Southbound Pachyderm | |
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Quite a suprise
What an ingenious device
Boredom encompasses my time
I don't know what I should do
Indulging a moment of your time
Seldom the breeder of lies
But you won't believe that it's true
They take to the sky
Southbound pachyderm
Pinholes through cardboard
At the sun
Passing the bucks by one by one
Leaving nothing in return
Watching the majest blow past
Speculating which will be the last
Savoring my piece of pie
And there is no reprise
They're filling the sky
Southbound pachyderm
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| Shake Hands With Beef | |
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There's a time for lies and a time for truth.
I say, eye for an eye, eye for a tooth.
When I roamed young, I'd scavenge around.
Every nook and cranny of our little town.
It's nice, so nice, to be.
Pull out the cannon boys, steal us some wine.
Puff tijuana smalls. shake hands with beef!
She's so fine, she's so sweet.
Mom and pop they raised her on huge slabs of meat.
She's fine, a man of nine, water derby day.
Twenty six pumps on a crossman, and it's time to play
It's nice, so nice, to be
Pull out the cannon boys, steal us some wine
Puff tijuana smalls. shake hands with beef!
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| Over the Falls | |
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They broke out in laughter again,
His lip beaded with sweat as they strapped him in,
And he stood by and waited to be called.
The talk was of times that had gone by
And the quantity and quality of women they lie.
His eyes welled with wet and his mouth had gone dry.
As he stood by and waited to be called.
He stood by and waited to be called.
He stood by and waited like the others before
For his turn to go over the falls.
He got up and tried it again.
For lack of persistence is surely a sin.
As he stood by and waited to be called,
He looked to the lightning with glee
And admired his vessel for it's symmetry,
Feeling twelve units shy of a bachelor's degree.
As he stood by and waited to be called.
He stood by and waited to be called.
He stood by and waited like the others before
For his turn to go over the falls.
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| Lacquer Head | |
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Sometimes bored and sometimes lonely
Pimple faced and rather homely
He wasn't much for socializin'
The TV kept a mesmerizin'
In one ear and out the other
Picked up a trick from his older brother
Got him a can of sniffin' sauce
Pinned his mind up on a cross
Lacquer head knows but one desire
Lacquer head sets his skull on fire
Lacquer head knows no in betweens
Huffin' on bags of gasoline
Sniffin' paint since the seventh grade
She was high on gin and gatorade
On turpentine she lost her luck
Fell in front of a speeding pick-up truck
He was a boy of soft demeanor
And he loved his carburetor cleaner
The vapor made a sweet aroma
He sniffed himself into a coma
Lacquer head feeds his one desire
Lacquer head sets his brain on fire
Lacquer head knows no in betweens
Huffin' on bags of gasoline
Keep on sniffin' till yer brain goes pop
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| The Devil Went Down to Georgia | |
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He was lookin' for a soul to steal
He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind
And he was willing to make a deal
When he came across this young man
Sawing on a fiddle and playing it hot
And the devil jumped up on a hickory stump
And said, "Boy let me tell you what
"I guess you didn't know it
But I'm a fiddle player too
And if you'd care to take a dare
I'll make a bet with you"
"Now you play pretty good fiddle, son
But give the devil his due
I bet a fiddle of gold against your soul
'Cause I think I'm better than you"
The boy said "My name's Johnny
And it might be a sin
But I'll take your bet and you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the best that's ever been"
Johhny you resin up your bow
And play your fiddle hard
'Cause Hell's broke loose in Georgia
And the devil deals the cards
And if you win
You get this shiny fiddle made of gold
But if you lose
The devil gets your soul
The devil openned up his case
And he said "I'll start this show"
And fire flew from his fingertips
As he resined up his bow
And he pulled the bow across the strings
And it made an evil hiss
Then a band of demons joined in
And it sounded something like this
When the devil finished Johnny said
"Well you're pretty good, old son
But sit down in that chair right there
And let me show you how its done"
{Refrain}
Fire on the mountain, run boys run
The devil's in the house of the rising sun
Chicken in the bread pan pickin' out dough
Granny does your dog bite, no child no
The devil bowed his head
Because he knew that he'd been beat
And he laid that golden fiddle
On the ground at Johnny's feet
Johnny said "Devil, just come on back
If you ever want to try again
But I told you once, you son of a bitch
I'm the best that's ever been"
He played
Fire on the mountain, run boys run
The devil's in the house of the rising sun
Chicken in the bread pan pickin' out dough
Granny does your dog bite, no child no
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