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Adam Sandler lyrics

Album: Stan and Judy's Kid [1999]

 01 Hot Water Burn Baby
 02  Cool Guy 1
 03  7 Foot Man
 04 The Peer
 05  Cool Guy 2
 06  Dee Wee (My Friend the Massive Idiot)
 07 Whitey
 08  Cool Guy 3
 09  She Comes Home to Me
 10 The Champion
 11  Cool Guy 4
 12  Chanukah Song Part II
 13 Inner Voice
 14  Cool Guy 5
 15  Welcome My Son
 16  The Psychotic Legend of Uncle Donnie
 17 Reprise
all Adam Sandler lyrics

Cool Guy 1
SEAN: Ooh baby, you looking good.

GIRL: Thanks sean.

SEAN: you got it going on strong, baby. Skin so soft and hair so right.

GIRL: I think you're nice too, sean.

SEAN: Let me take off this shirt of yours and see that beauty mama has given you. -{taking off her clothes}- Ohh, so fine so right.

GIRL: Oh sean, you're so silly.

SEAN: What's going on with these little silk panties, baby? Slowly, slide them to the ground. -{taking down her panties}- (Gasps) yeah, baby yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

GIRL: It's my turn sean. Let me take down your pants. -{begins to unzip his pants}-

SEAN: Is that what you want to do baby? Why don't you put those soft sweet hands on my Jimmi-jamma.

GIRL: ...On your what?

SEAN: On my-- on my manhood,... baby.

GIRL: No wait a minute did you say "Jimmer Jammer" before?

SEAN: Well I-- I guess I did, I--

GIRL: -{beginning to gather all her clothes}- I got to go.

SEAN: No, no, you sure about this, baby?!

GIRL: Yeah, later King Jimmer Jammer. -{leaves}-

SEAN: Yeah, Cause I'll-- Cause I'll call you. Damn!!! Walking out all naked and shit.

THE ENDback to top
7 Foot Man
We just wrote this song on the bus the other day so just sit back and relax

I'm the 7 foot man,
I've commited no crime,
Bumping my head into doorways,
It happens all the time,
I'm 7 feet tall,
And I repeat,
They dont make a ski boot that can fit my feet,
I'm 7 feet tall,
And I dont play basketball,

I'm 7 feet tall,
But I'm still just a man,
So of course it hurts me a lot,
When I walk into the ceiling fan,
Small people say I wish I was him,
But its been nine years since I've had a trim,
The barber says,
I cant reach the top of his head,

7 foot man,
(ha ha)I cannot hide,
7 foot man,
I know cause I've tried,
7 foot man,
My last girlfriend died,
Because my penis,
Is 7 foot wide!!!!!!!!!

So the next time you see me,
Walking around,
And my head is right about to hit a tree branch,
Tell me to duck down,
And I'll pay you back ,
Soon you will see,
By getting you frisbee down from that tree,
I do what i can,
I'm the 7 foot man,

7 foot man,
7 foot manback to top
Cool Guy 2
-{The Sounds of waves crashing}-

SEAN: This is quite the chill night. kicking back on the beach with a fine girl such as yourself.

GIRL #2: Yeah, the waves are so calming.

SEAN: So, is your body. looking like michaelangelo made you or some shit.

GIRL #2: Thanks sean, that's so sweet.

-{Sean presses 'play' button on tape player}-

SEAN: Let's see what's going on under this velvet top of yours.

GIRL #2: Uh-oh.

SEAN: Oh calming, your coming off strong with some beautiful waves of your own there, baby.

GIRL #2: Oh sean, you're so cute.

SEAN: Why don't we leave the summer skirt on, but let's take those fine panties passed those long, strong legs of yours, hmm?

GIRL #2: Oh my god.

SEAN: Yeah.

GIRL #2: And how about you take off clothes, sean.

SEAN: Oh, oh is that right, baby? You want me to show my stuff, too?

GIRL #2: My god, you look good, sean.

SEAN: Yeah, yeah baby I keep in shape, you know.

GIRL #2: Ooh.

-{she starts to unbuckle his pants}-

SEAN: Yeah, unbuckle my pants, move hands on my wet weiner and let's get it swingin'.

GIRL #2: What's that?

SEAN: Let's get it swingin'.

GIRL #2: No, the other thing you said?

SEAN: ...The wet-weiner?

GIRL #2: -{gasps}- You know what?

SEAN: Yeah?

GIRL #2: I'm going to go throw up, now. See you.

SEAN: Hmm, leave me all horny here. How-- how you going to get home there, baby?

GIRL #2: I'll walk. -{She begins to walk away}-

SEAN: Mm-hm. I'm-a call you.

GIRL #2: Don't. -{She's gone}-

SEAN: A'ight, A'ight. I'm go in for a swim anyways, you know that baby. -{to self}- Going to get this swing-ding wet somehow.
Salted off the rubarbs, ain't that a bitch?

THE ENDback to top
Dee Wee (My Friend the Massive Idiot)
He said he'd be here at seven
The clock just hit 7:22
It's too cold outside
To wait for my ride
Watching mama try out a new doo (Bruins)

He said he'd be here at seven
But it just hit 7:35 (already?)
Here in Brockton, Mass.,
I got my thumb in my ass
Mama's combing up a big beehive (Celtics)

Where the fuck is he?
Where the fuck is he?

The bitch doesn't even bother calling
Even though it's 7:44 (I fell asleep, pally)
I'm feeling kinda antsy
Mama's getting fancy
Slicking back a wet pompadour (Red Sox)

He said he'd be here at seven
It's closing in on 8:01 (Trimmin' the ‘stache, kid)
Me lookin' like a sap
In a wool knit cap
Mama's next move is a bun (fuckin' Patriots)

Where the fuck is he? (My pants are still in the dryer, dude)
Where the fuck is he? (I couldn't find my fuckin' snowboots, pal)
I wish I had a car (Huge, huge hangover)
Oh, no (Massive hailstorm, massive hailstorm, massive)

That stupid little punk
He's probably fuckin' drunk
I bet he drank a case
Wanna pop him in the face right now
Mama's eyebrow

Wicked good
Wicked good (Oh, GOD)
Wicked good
Wicked good (Fuck yeah)
Wicked good
Wicked good (Pisser?)

Well my friend is still a no-show
And I'm getting' fucking pissed (Why?)
‘Cause I could've gone with Charlie
In the side of his Harley
Mama's on the phone with a stylist (Fuck Charlie!)

So I guess I ain't going out tonight
‘Cause the digits say 12:09 (Shit-faced)
But call the operator
‘Cause one perm later
Mama's hair sure do look fine (Heffenreffer!!!)

Where the fuck is he? (Ah, ha ha! My stepfather was tellin' me a wicked funny
Where the fuck is he? (Ah, ha ha! I forgot it though…)

I wish I had a car
I wish I had a car (A cop pulled me over, buddy)

I wish I went with Charlie (5.2 blood level, state record)
I could have gone with Charlie (I'm in a wicked mess of trouble, haha!)

He gotta dee wee
He gotta dee wee
He gotta dee wee
He got a D.W.I. (Up the river [repeat 9x])back to top
Cool Guy 3
-{Sean pouring champagne}-

SEAN: Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Baby I have to tell you, you looking unbelievably delicious laying there.

GIRL #3: Oh Sean, you're so sweet.

SEAN: Not as sweet as your silky thighs mama, I tink I want to taste'em.

-{He presses the 'play' button on his tape player}-

I going to start with your scrumptious toes as an appetizers, then I'm going to move up your body with my tongue, 'til I reach those lucious icecream sundaes.

GIRL #3: Mm, sounds nice. what else?

SEAN: Well, then I'm going to work my way back down, 'cause it's time for the main course. I'm like a bee heading down to your honey pot. But I won't be flying away soon, no I won't.

-{she laughs sensually}-

Ooh, zippity, dippity.

-{she takes a sip on the champagne}-

-{she laughs sensually}-

GIRL #3: Tell me, what do you want me to do to you?

SEAN: Yeah, baby, I got a lot on my menu, but if I could recommend something, it would have to be tonight's special: My pud.

GIRL #3: What did you just say?

SEAN: I said you going to like tonight's special...

GIRL #3: And that's your pud?

SEAN: Yeah.

GIRL #3: You got to leave.

SEAN: Mm-hmm. A'ight. Just let me find my pants and I--

-{looks for pants, finds them, struggles to put them on}-

I'm leaving.

-{zips up pants}- -{stops tape player, pulls out tape}-

Could you at least tell me the best way home?back to top
She Comes Home to Me
Though I have been a fool for love
I have finally made my score
I got a girl, and I don't mean to boast
But she loves me the most
Even though she's a highly paid whore
She'll give head to a sheep
She can stuff three cocks in her cheek
But she comes home to me
She'll do the groom and the best man
She'll slap your ass in the back of a van
But she comes home to me
She could fuck nine guys in a row
But still have a tenth for me
And I'm the only one who gets to kiss them lips
Unless you pay an extra fifty
So mister, don't you fall in love
Cause I'm the only cat who doesn't wear a glove
Since her heart belongs to me
She has a throat that just won't quit
She can take all of it
And still have room for your balls
but she shops in the malls for me
She'll say twelve then call back and say one
But I don't care I know it's just work not fun
When she blows you, Jack
Don't you think she's not thinking of me
She'll go down on a yack, lick a horse's nutsack
But strictly for the cash
And it's only me who doesn't pay a fee
to watch her put a water bottle in her gash
(Put a water bottle in her gash)
She'll let you suck her nips till they're leakin'
But don't you dare try to go antique-ing
Cause she does that with me
Her pussy's sweet as honey
But when she moans, it's just for the money
Unless she's sittin' on me
She'll cram your asshole with a mouse
But she won't do it in our house
Tough luck, Jack
She knows that don't fly with me
She might eat your wife's box
But she won't tell ya where you left your socks
She rolled up and down your fat prick
But it was me who took her to the Meg Ryan flick
She's got a face full of nuts
And a mouth full of cocks
She's done Seal, Larry King, four New Kids on the Block,
She blew the Winnepeg Jets right after a game
But they never got to know her actual name
On your face she will piss
On your chest she might poop
But she won't prepare her famous vegetable soup
That's simply reserved..
Oh she'll bite ya, she'll spank ya
But she'll never thank you for free
Cause baby... comes home to me.
Comin' home!!back to top
Cool Guy 4
-{Sean on the phone with a call-girl.}-

SEAN: What's your name, baby?

GIRL #4: Desiree.

SEAN: Ohh, what a nice name for a nice girl, such as your self.

GIRL #4: What's your name?

-{Sean presses 'play' button on tape player}-

SEAN: My name's sean, I want to get it on.

GIRL #4: Ooh.

SEAN: you know what I'm talking about, honey, I want to drop some serious loving on you, mama.

GIRL #4: Oh sean, you sound so strong, like you really know what you want.

SEAN: Yeah baby, I'm strong as a bear, I want to wrap my big arm around you,--

GIRL #4: Oh my.

SEAN: --You want to be spinning around for some more lovin' I got for you?

GIRL #4: That's sounds nice, sean.

SEAN: You know what else sounds nice, the sound of your clothes slidding off and hitting the floor. that's music to my ears.

GIRL #4: I'm already naked, how about you?

SEAN: Well, I'm half way there, baby, just let me slip out of these silky boxer shorts of mine.

GIRL #4: You must look good you stud, are you hard?

SEAN: Baby, my tally-whacker's all revved up and ready to go.

GIRL #4: ..."Tally-whacker"?

SEAN: No, no, no... I said the sweet-meat.

GIRL #4: Oh my god.

SEAN: What?

GIRL #4: -{To other call girl}- I just heard some fucking idiot call it a tally-whacker.

-{Sean groans}-

CALL GIRL #2: -{To Girl #4}- your kidding?

GIRL #4: -{To other call girl}- And his sweet-meat.

CALL GIRL #2: -{To Girl #4}- that's so gross.

-{she hangs up}-

SEAN: No. She did not just fucking hang up on me for 4 dollars a fucking minute.

-{hangs up}-

what the fuck is happening


... I'm horny, goddamn it. Oh, shit. Fucking, this is so un-chill.back to top
Chanukah Song Part II
Put on your Yamaka
Its time for Chanukah
So much funnaka
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a Dreidle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys

Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew

We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And yes her boobs are real

Put on that yarmulka
Its time for Chanukah
2 time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffmanaka
celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson
Still not a Jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo

Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn't
but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.

Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the PGA tour
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.

So many Jews are in the show biz
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish
But my mother thinks he is.

Tell the world-amanaka
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
It's not pronounced Ch-nakah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So read your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tijuanaka
If you really really wannaka
Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!back to top
Cool Guy 5
-{Sean pulling up in his car to a hooker}-

GIRL #5: Hey, honey.

SEAN: S'up baby? looking all smooth, standing on the corner at 3 in the morning and shit. You cold, baby? You want to use me as a blanket?

GIRL #5: I'm just doing my thing.

SEAN: Well, does doing your thing mean your tricky? 'Cause I'd like to invest some of my hard earned money towards loving you, if you know what I getting at.

GIRL #5: Well, how much you got, big man?

SEAN: Well, I'm willing to drop 50 dollars on your ass, but there's a condition going on.

GIRL #5: What's that?

SEAN: You're going to have to put those lucious lips of yours on... my... slub-a-dub.

GIRL #5: Ooh, I can do that.

SEAN: You can?

GIRL #5: Mm-hmm.

SEAN: You mean, you ain't going make fun of the fact that I called my gizza-gazza a "slub-a-dub"?

GIRL #5: Honey you can call your thing what ever you want to as long as you got 50 bucks.

SEAN: oh sna-- well, alright then here's the 50 dollars, -{unzips pants}- and here's my flip stick, now start wetting that thing up.

GIRL #5: -{Opens his door}- Sir, you are under arrest.

-{police car pulls up}-

SEAN: You got to be fucking with mind here.

GIRL #5: No, I'm not.

COP: Good job denise. we'll take him from here.

-{Cop hand cuffs Sean}-

SEAN: WHAT?!?! You going to arrest my ass for trying to get a ride on my slip 'n' slide? Fuck that shit.

GIRL #5: Hey honey,when you get to jail, you're going to be on the other end of a slip 'n' slide, and I hope you enjoy yourself.


-{cop throws sean in back of police car}-

COP: Just get in the back, asshole.

GIRL #5: -{from outside}- You sick fuck.

SEAN: Damn!! -{crying}- This is a bunch of bullshit!!!

PEEPER: Piss on me. -{also in the back of the police car}-


PEEPER: Please, piss me.


PEEPER: Just a tinkle.

SEAN: Fuck that, keep him away from me.

PEEPER: Urine.

SEAN: Keep this man away from me.back to top
Welcome My Son
Welcome my son to your very first day
So proud to be the one who brought you this way
I love you with all my heart
And my love is here to stay
But I can't help worrying will you eventually smoke weed?

Soon enough you'll be walking
You and me hand in hand
The silly words you'll be talkin'
Only daddy can understand
We'll go out making snowmen
Building castles in the sand
And all the time I'm thinking, will this kid end up smoking' weed?

But time keeps on going
And you keep on growin'
You're now six years old
You're getting so good at your spellin'
But my mind is always dwellin'
On the fact that you could be the kind of guy
Who grows up and needs to smoke weed on the couch
All the time
All the time

So answer me this while you're lying in your little bed
Why must you insist on bein' such a fuckin' pothead?
There's other things in life
That can make you feel good
But you just keep on smoking' your herb
You can't get enough of your precious, precious reefer
Where you getting all this money
To buy so much Hawaiian dope?back to top
The Psychotic Legend of Uncle Donnie
holy shit, this boat is sweet uncle donnie.
It must be fast and shit.
This fucking boat's got more balls then the fuckin celtic's lockeroom.
yeah but it musta cost you like 50 Gs or something.
One might think that but guess what? It didn't cost me jack shit.
What do you mean?
I stole it out of a winter storage parking lot.
No fucking way! You shitten me?
Yeah, paintjob, change of the license and bingo here we are sunny times.
Oh yeah, the sun is extra fucking hot, I had to stop drinking or I was gonna
pass out.
I didn't eat all day, I'm extra fucking buzzed.back to top
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