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Adam Sandler lyrics

Album: What the Hell Happened to Me? [1996]

 01  Joining the Cult
 02  Respect
 03  Ode to My Car
 04  The Excited Southerner Orders a Meal
 05  The Goat
 06 The Chanukah Song (live)
 07  The Excited Southerner Gets Pulled Over
 08  The Hypnotist
 09  Steve Polychronopolous
 10  The Excited Southerner at a Job Interview
 11  Do It for Your Mama
 12  Crazy Love
 13  The Excited Southerner Meets Mel Gibson
 14  The Adventures of the Cow
 15  Dip Doodle
 16  The Excited Southerner Proposes to a Woman
 17  Memory Lane
 18  Mr. Bake-O
 19  Sex or Weight Lifting
 20  What the Hell Happened to Me?
all Adam Sandler lyrics

Joining the Cult
Performed by adam sandler and allen

Transcribed by big brother.

[sounds of basketball being shot around]
Sandler: hey man, I'm joining a religious cult.
Allen: now, that's ridiculous.
Sandler: well, I'm joining it, so you gotta sign up too.
Allen: what are you talking about?
Sandler: hey, don't fuck me on this, man, just sign up.
Allen: no, I'm not going to join a cult!
Sandler: I can't believe you're pulling this shit on me after monday night --
Allen: what?
Sandler: -- I wanted to watch monday night football and you wanted to watch that other show and we watched your show -- I did that for you!
Allen: yeah, well, you kept flippin' back to the game.
Sandler: I wanted to see the fuckin' score! whadda you gotta do that's so fucking importnat you can't join the religious cult with me?
Allen: well, I was gonna go sunbathing.
Sandler: oh, boy, no no, I don't think you should do that. because this guy, russell -- he's the leader-guy of the cult --
Allen: -- yeah --
Sandler: -- he was rambling on during one of the speeches about the sun being bad, like the beast can't come out because the sun's too bright and the sun hurts his eyes or something -- you
Up all sunburned and that guy's gonna get pissed at you and me!
Allen: well, I'm not in the cult, so I don't have to worry about pissing the leader guy off!
Sandler: look, I'm -- starting to believe in some of the stuff the cult guy's been saying -- some of it makes a lot of sense!
Allen: well, good, but I don't want to join the cult. we can still hang out; I just won't be in it with you.
Sandler: the point is, I'm not gonna have time to hang out with you because I'm gonna be fuckin' busy with this fuckin' cult!
Allen: so I'll visit on weekends -- we'll work it out.
Sandler: no, the weekends are like the busiest time -- that's when we go to flea malls and fuckin' malls and talk people into joining, man!
Allen: can I join for just a little while? I told my dad I'd go visit him in florida in three weeks.
Sandler: well, just, we'll ask then, but we gotta join now.
Allen: what's the hurry?
Sandler: there's a girl I wanna meet there, what the fuck's your problem?
Allen: well, I mean I don't really have to believe in this stuff, do i?
Sandler: no, no, just fuckin' tell everybody you believe in this shit -- when they say the sun sucks, go, yeah, fuck the sun, I fuckin' hate it too, long live the fuckin' beast."

Allen: I don't know, man. this is crazy.
Sandler: look, they're gonna give you clothers, a free haircut, you're gonna get food --
Allen: -- it's not gonna be one of those weird haircuts, is it?
Sandler: it's gonna be a haircut, all right? you said you need a haircut, they're gonna fuckin' cut your hair. you're going in, saving twelve bucks, just fuckin' do it!
Allen: do you think the hot girl has a friend for me?
Sandler: yeah, sure, and if she doesn't, she'll go out and recruit one for you!
Allen: well, all right. but, hey, if I don't like it, I'm going to escape, man.
Sandler: ok, that's up to you.

Three weeks later!

[chanting repeatedly] the night time is the right time! the night time is the right time!
Sandler: hey buddy, are you glad you did this?
Allen: oh, this is the best thing I ever did. thank you.
Sandler: you're not mad at them making you, uh, kill your father, are you?
Allen: you know, it's like they said. it was the only way to save him.
Sandler: you're a good guy.
Allen: you're a better one.
[chanting resumes]back to top
You gotta show the fucking respect

[Repeat Over And Over]back to top
Ode to My Car
Performed by adam sandler

Here we go

Piece of shit car
I got a piece of shit car
That fuckin' pile of shit
Never gets me very far

My car's a big piece of shit
'cause the shocks are fucking shot
And my seatbelt's fucking broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(it's a piece of shit)

I can't see through the windshield
'cause it's got a big fucking' crack
And the interior smells real bad
'cause my friend puked in the back
(it's a piece of shit)

(piece of shit car)
Piece of shit car
(he's got a piece of shit car)
It sucks royal dick
(that fuckin' pile of shit)
100% crap
(never gets him very far)
Oh fuck you car

It's got no cd player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty nut sack
(they can bite his ass too)
And I got no fuckin' brakes
I'm always way out of control
Eleven times a day I hear hey, watch it asshole
(you fuckin' piece of shit)

(piece of shit car)
I got piece of shit car
(he got a piece of shit car)
Diesel gas sucks my ass
(that fuckin' pile of shit)
That pile of metal shit
(never gets him very far)

Oh what the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
To get stuck with you
You're too wide for drive-thru
And you smell like the shoe
But I'm too broke to buy something new
Oh fuck me

Well the engine likes to flood
The car always fuckin' stalls
And the seat cushion's got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the balls
(ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a fucking coat hanger
(what a pain in his ass)
And if a girlie sees my car
There's no chance I'll ever bang her
(he never ever gets da pussy)
Hey shut up
(piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car

(you got a piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
(piece of shit car)
Bald fuckin' tires
(you got a piece of shit car)
No rearview fucking mirror
(piece of shit car)
Seven different colors
(you got a piece of shit car)
Fucking rag for a gas cap
(piece of shit car)
Tailpipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(you got a piece of shit car)
(piece of shit car)
(you got a piece of shit car)
(piece of shit car)
Oh the whole town thinks I'm a loser
(you got a piece of shit car)
Cabby give me a push
(piece of shit car...)back to top
The Excited Southerner Orders a Meal
Performed by adam sandler and jon

Contributed by chris durkin

Adam: and the now the excited southerner orders a meal at his favorite

Waiter: hi, what can I get you today?

Excited southerner: hi, how are you...i was...if you could, tell me, if,
The chef salad, if it, does it come, if you come... a la carte, if you see the...i
Saw the breakfast menu and the, and they got the, and the different entrees
With the dspe-dspe-dspe-dspecials today, and the the and...I'm watching my
Weight...diabetic, with the low sodium...if you could broil...i-i-i-instead
Of fried, I ya, just, hash browns...i wanted to mix the ketchup with the
May-mayonaise, make my own sauce, if that's, could bring out a separate
Plate for that with the chicken, your chicken fried steak...the blue plate
Special, does that come with the soup of the day, or-

Waiter: I'll come back when you're ready.

Excited southerner: hoooo...back to top
The Goat
I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
Am I happy he don't give a fuck
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage

And tells me I smell like piss
His drink, Jimmy Bean
His chaser, a bear
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe

Asleep I pray he falls
But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't always this bad
Why, when I was a young talking goat
The Old Man was just like my dad

I come from the hills of Europe
That's where I met the Old Man
He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can

Then he stopped in his tracks
And he said, "Hey Goat!
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea"
I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
You seem like a nice guy"

So we went off to America
The home of the apple pie
On the boat, the Old Man told me
I would be a present for his wife
"A talking goat!" he exclaimed,
"She'd never seen this in her life"
I felt so special!

Well, I just couldn't believe it
After all theses years I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end

But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said: "I'm leaving you for your broher
Because he fucks me better"
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief

To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
And beat me like a side of beef
I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!"
He just shook his head and said, "Nope!
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope."

Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the AM radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw

At first they're excited to see a talking goat
They gather around to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go ont too long
So they leave and giggle I need a bidet

But you know there was a night that I did get off the truckback to top
The Excited Southerner Gets Pulled Over
[Adam Sandler]:
And now the excited Southerner gets pulled over by a cop.

Do you realize how fast you were going sir?

{Excited Southerner]:
Yes..yes I do...and uh there is an explanation for that...first of all..let me
start off by very
hard...and I do respect what you do...protectin and uh the...lead got the radar
gun...not the to...get home..for pregnant wife...she's at the hospital right birth to twins...I gotta get guy next to me
was...going faster than me....just keeping up...with the
cousin's....also a state New Jersey...maybe you could talk to...a
tree branch was...covering the speed limit sign...with a...and a truck was
tailgating me...I just hope...

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Here's your ticket. Save it for the job.back to top
The Hypnotist
Performed by adam sandler and kevin

Transcribed by big brother.

[typing sounds]
Dr. stewart: hi, [i'm] dr. stewart.
Gary phelps: hi, dr. stewart. nice to meet you -- I'm gary phelps.
Dr. stewart: my pleasure. gary, have you ever been hypnotized before?
Gary phelps: no, I haven't. I'm actually quite nervous, but I just, uh, I --
Dr. stewart: all right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
Gary phelps: to be honest with you, I saw your name in the yellow pages, and it said you're good at this stuff, so I just, I gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing...
Dr. stewart: so smoking is your problem?
Gary phelps: yeah, I can't stop smoking and it's -- it's finally, like, affecting everything I do, I can't run, I can't play basketball and all that stuff like that, so i, I gotta give it up.
Dr. stewart: how long have you smoked, gary?
Gary phelps: uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just can't kick it, you know?

Dr. stewart: yeah, right. [small, barely noticeable fart] all right, gary, why don't you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax -- what I do is hypnosis.
Gary phelps: right.
Dr. stewart: basically I just want you to sit back and relax -- let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and , um, just feel comfortable and trust me.

[bigger fart]
Gary phelps: [noticing fart sound] uh...
Dr. stewart: that's it.
Gary phelps: o-kay....
Dr. stewart: that's it.
Gary phelps: that was...o-kay...
Dr. stewart: all right? okay. gary, I want you to close your eyes, and I just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing. okay? that's it. now I'm gonna count backwards from five
Ro --
Gary phelps: right.
Dr. stewart: -- and I just want you to relax, and you're going to fall into a deep state of mind -- of subconsciousness -- you're very comfortable, I'll be counting back from five, I just want y
Relax, and just think of nothing.
[three farts in succession]
Gary phelps: are you gonna keep doing that, or...?
Dr. stewart: hmm? just concentrate now. that's it. close your eyes. keep your eyes closed. okay. now. we're very comfortable. five [small fart], we're thinking of nothing except being comfortabl
Nothing's bothering us. okay. when I say the word relax, listen to me, you're sinking, you're sinking, [medium fart]
Gary phelps: oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
Dr. stewart: please just try to relax; that wasn't me. okay. you're very stressed -- you're very stressed. okay, four, we're relaxing, we're relaxing, you're very comfortable, you're very, very
Ed. okay. four, three...[fart]
Gary phelps: oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can't...
Dr. stewart: that was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it's -- the vinyl -- it's a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate. okay. and we're very sleepy, we're relaxed, thinking nothing
Ers us, nothing bothers us -- [several farts]
Gary phelps: uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe? I'm just having a tough time concentrating --
Dr. stewart: hmm? here we go -- there, there, we're relaxing, we're relaxing [fart and cough together] three, two, two --
Gary phelps: I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that. I can't concentrate when you're doing that.
Dr. stewart: this is what I do. it's a counting-down thing. we're relaxing now. just relax -- let it go, don't focus on anything else, just concentrate on what we're doing here. three, two, rela
Lax, that's it, just relax [fart], we're relaxing now --
Gary phelps: okay -- you're gonna -- that one was -- it's getting a little irritating --
Dr. stewart: hang on just a second here. let me just step out a second here.
Gary phelps: that'd be good.
Dr. stewart: all right, and we're relaxing, as I leave, we're relaxing, still relaxing,
[fart in the distance]
Gary phelps: jesus...oh my god.
Dr. stewart: we're relaxing.
Gary phelps: [trying hard not to laugh]
Dr. stewart: okay, I'm back, we're relaxing, and we're counting down, we're to two, and all we're thinking about is healthy, fresh air. freshness. breathing in. breathing in deep, letting out. [

Gary phelps: sir, I'd appreciate if you could stop 'letting it out'. but okay, okay, fine, thank you.
Dr. stewart: that's it, you're all right, everything's good. all right, you feel very comfortable, you're sinking into the chair, we're relaxing, one [long fart], and we're coming down to zero a

Gary phelps: oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing...
Dr. stewart: no, no, that time that was you.
Gary phelps: that wasn't me!

Dr. stewart: we're not here to pick sides, we're not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now we're dealing with the smoking, and, um
's not worry about anything else that's going down --
Gary phelps: ok, I've just gotta kick this habit.
Dr. stewart: down to zero, relaxing, we're going to feel very fresh [fart], we're going to feel very healthy [fart], and let's take a nice, deep breath --
Gary phelps: I can't breathe, sir, uh, I'm sorry, I just -- [squirty fart]
Gary phelps: oh my God -- what did you eat? it smells like baby food --

Dr. stewart: all right, we're relaxing -- that one probably squirted out a little into the pants, but we'll just continue with thte floating [fart] -- yeah, that was definitely a squirt -- but h
E go, one, zero, we are under. are you relaxed?
Gary phelps: yeah, I'm under, I guess.
Dr. stewart: here we go, relaxing, relaxing. you're under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore, you will just feel healthy from now on, and you'll be breathing in nothing but fresh air, and
Will not smell anything in this room, it wasn't me, it wasn't me farting [fart] -- that was not me --
Gary phelps: [hysterically laughing under his breath] you're gonna have to stop doing that, sir. it's just very hard for me to listen to you when you're --
Dr. stewart: you're floating now, you're high above, you're looking down, nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go [long fart]
Gary phelps: oh man...
Dr. stewart: -- that was you,
Gary phelps: that was not me, sir! I'm watching you!
Dr. stewart: that was you, and when you wake up, you will not remember any of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, don't worry, she gets it all the time. all right -- you smell noth
I'm perfectly clean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you yourself. and let's not forget the smoking thing that's why you're here. no smoking. repeat after me: I am
Lly pig.
Gary phelps: what?
Dr. stewart: all right, we're moving along, and we;'re relaxed. [fart] all right, and now we're going to count back up, up one to five,
Gary phelps: ok, you know, I think this is fine, I don't want to smoke...
Dr. stewart: gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five, you will snap out of this, and you won't remember this, especially the smell, the smell was from you. all right? and here we go. ze
E're coming out of it, you're waking up slowly, your eyes are opening, one, you're feeling good, and when you wake up, you'll feel wide awake and perfect you'll feel whole and [fart] all-righty,
Pped that one out there and I apologize. I ripped a good one there. that was a nice out..
Gary phelps: that was not nice.
Dr. stewart: here we go, and, we're coming right [fart]
Gary phelps: what was that?
Dr. stewart: that was three.
Gary phelps: it didn't sound like three.
Dr. stewart: three, I'm counting, and four, it's no smell in here, and you don't smoke, you don't want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart] five, and -- [snap] do you want a cigarette?
Gary phelps: no I don't.
Dr. stewart: then my job is done.
Gary phelps: [bursts into laughter]
Dr. stewart: [fart] please leave the door open as you leave. [fart]
Gary phelps: ok, thank you, doctor.

[typing resumes and another fart is heard]back to top
Steve Polychronopolous
Performed by adam sandler

- polychronopolous

I'm a big fuckin' dick
I'm a pain in your ass
I drink all your beer
I'll eat the last slice
I'll give you charley horses
I'll pull your shorts down at the beach
I always need a ride
Nobody likes me

My name's steve motherfucking polychronopolous

I spit when I talk
I swear in front of your mother
I throw shit at the movies
I wear tight pants
I ask you to buy an extra yankee ticket
And then I don't show
I tell you I saw your girlfriend
Fucking two guys at a party

'cause my name's steve motherfucking polychronopolous

I'll piss on your toilet seat and tell your dad you got stoned
I'll borrow your jacket and never think of returning it

Shit for brains

I'll leave your gate open
So your dog runs away
I'll make fun of your pimple
Then I'll grab your sister's ass

'cause my name's steve motherfucking polychronopolous

And I don't care
And I don't give a shit

I'll break your brother's stereo
And then tell him it was you
You think you're better than me
Well you're fucking wrong

Everybody knows I'm steve motherfucking polychronopolous

Deal with itback to top
The Excited Southerner at a Job Interview
[Adam Sandler]:
And now the excited Southerner has a job interview.

So why don't you tell me why you would be an asset to this company.

[Excite Southerner]:
...Good question, I have a good answer for that...first first first of all I am
a very...very hard work...vocational skills...I went to...willing to work on a
holidays...I had a tango and mirumba lessons...learning to get along with other
people...but I'm sorry I got my G.E.D....with a overtime...time and a
half...speakin in two languages...Spanish and a...a..another one....and I and
and...loyal like a dog...tell you that much...willin to start at the
bottom...and also stay there...your intestines...completely
flawless...drug-free with a...whoo-wee..good references...if you call my last
boss...he was..actually he was gonna inform me...with a...I got no dependence
with the W-2 form...and I was wondering..

You know what? That's great but uh we don't have anything open right now.
Thanks for comin' down.

[Excited Southerner]:

Are you alright?back to top
Do It for Your Mama
Performed by adam sandler, frank, judd, jon, katie, and brooks arthur

J.n.: I can make a bigger splash than you!
Jimmy: oh yeah, give it a shot.

[while jumping up and down on diving board]
J.n.: can opener!
[big splash]
Jimmy: man, that one was huge.
J.n.: you go.

[while running towards pool]
Jimmy: ahhhh, jacknife!

[jumps in and small splash]
Tracy: that was a dud, jimmy.
Jimmy: shutup, tracy.
Tracy: you shutup.

[door opens, walks over]
Momma: lunch time kids.

[kids yelling happily]
Momma: I made some jelly sandwiches and sliced up some cantelope. I figured you could eat a little food and and then maybe play with yer cock and balls fer a while.
J.n.: I'm just gonna eat, mom.
Momma: all right. and then maybe a little later, you can play with yer cock and balls fer momma.
J.n.: I don't think so.
Momma: ok. slow down jimmy, yer already halfway done with yer sandwhich. you're gonna get a belly ache.
Jimmy: no I'm not. I'm hungry.
Momma: I know, but you shouldn't so fast. you're rushing honey, you're gonna choke. put down your sandwhich and beat off your cock and balls for a little bit. pace yourself.
Jimmy: oh god.

Momma: tracy, do you want some fruit or a sandwhich?
Tracy: no mom, I'm trying to lose weight. guy said I'm getting fat.
Momma: what? you look beautiful honey. he's crazy.
Tracy: guy said last summer I looked better in a bathing suit, so I'm gonna try to lose like three or four pounds.
Momma: awww, sweetheart. you've got so much to learn. guy doesn't want you to lose weight, baby. it's just his way of telling you he wants you to smack around his cock and balls some more,
Y. he's got some balls and some cock. you gotta stroke his schlong or at least bite his nuts.
Tracy: mom!
Momma: you're scared, aren't ya honey. you want momma to help you? momma will stroke guy's penis for him. no one has to know. I'll sneak in when it's dark.
Tracy: no! mom, please!
Momma: you don't know how to tug on the cock and balls? you need momma to show you? get me a carrot, sweetheart. where are you going!?

J.n.: mom, where's the suntan lotion?
Momma: it's under the chair baby. you gonna lube up yer cock and balls and wack it for a little bit?
J.n.: uhh, no. I'm just going to put some on my face so I don't get sunburnt.
Momma: smart thinking honey. and while yer at it you can put some on your brother's ding dong and knock around his nuts for him.
Jimmy: mom!
Momma: what jimmy. why don't you let your brother wack your cock and nuts for a little bit. you're not playing with them right now so why not let him. share, baby!
Jimmy: you're weird mom! I'm going swimming!
Momma: oh, you shouldn't swim for a half an hour. I read that.
Jimmy: why?
Momma: because you just ate, honey. and you'll get cramps. why don't you just lay on the side of the pool and jiggle your balls for momma.
Jimmy: it's ok. I'll stay in the shallow end.
Momma: ok, baby. but don't hurt yourself with that big juicy hog of yours.

Jimmy: hey, j.n. throw me that frisby.
J.n.: here! whoops!

[sails over and falls to the ground]
Jimmy: nice throw. right over the fence and into the chasen's yard.
Momma: don't get all huffy puffy. I'll get it. momma will make everything all right. j.n. you watch jimmy and make sure he's safe in that water.
J.n.: ok, ma.
Momma: and if you want you can beat your cock and balls. hi mr. chasen!
Mr. chasen: oh, hi emily. how are you?
Momma: oh, the boys threw the frisbee over the fence again. and there it is under the bush.
Mr. chasen: I'll get it for you.
Momma: sorry. thank you. and while your under that bush, why don't you jack around your cock and balls for yourself. you can stare at my jugs and play with that healthy wang of yours."

Mr. chasen: no, I'll just.. I'll just get your frisbee.
Momma: all right baby.
Mr. chasen: here you go.
Momma: thank you. thanks. thank mr. chasen, boys!
Boys: thanks mr. chasen!
Mr. chasen: you're welcome fellas.
Momma: have a good day. oh, and..and tell your son tommy, if he wants to come over later and play with his cock and balls with the kids he's always welcome. I don't know what happened with
And the boys, but they don't seem to be friendly anymore.
Mr. chasen: I'll do that emily.
Momma: all right. he's got a big one. you know that.

Momma: tracy! you're boyfriend guy's car just pulled up.
Tracy: ok mom. please don't embarass me!
Momma: everything embarasses you at this age, but I'll do my best. don't worry.
Guy: is it ok to come in?
Tracy: come on back here guy!
Momma: oh!
Tracy: thanks for coming over!
Momma: nice to see you guy.
Guy: hi mrs. tucker.
Momma: why don't you go for a swim with the others?
Guy: I didn't bring a bathing suit with me.
Momma: oh no! you don't need a bathing suit. just pull off your clothes and let your cock and balls feel the nice warm water.
Guy: uhhh, that's ok, mrs. tucker.
Momma: come on! pull out your cock and balls. the water's heated. you'll love it.
Tracy: mom! stop it! now!
Momma: what are you talking about, honey!? this way his balls are out, you can stroke his ding dong in front of all of us. come on, pull out that hog of yours. I wanna see it anyways. I wa
Now what my daughter's been stroking.
Tracy: mom! stop it!
Momma: in fact, everybody, pull out your cock and balls and rub it for momma. play with yourself. it'll be good. everyone. wack away!
J.n.: you're sick mom! I'm leaving.
Jimmy: I'm going to billy's house. I can't take this anymore.

[walking away]
Guy: come on, let's go.
Tracy: you've humiliated me and guy. we are so outta here.

Momma: what did I do? what is the matter with you all? come back here! you're ruining the day! it's so beautiful out. this is too much of a...

[picks up phone and starts dialing while car drives off]
I can't take these kids anymore...

[phone rings and gets picked up]
Grandma: hello?
Momma: momma, it's me, I'm very upset,
Grandma: oh, what's the matter, baby?
Momma: the kids are yelling at me and they left me here all alone.
Grandma: did you tell them the kids to play with their cock and balls?
Momma: I told them to play with their cock and balls.
Grandma: and what did they say?
Momma: they don't wanna play with them anymore.
Grandma: why don't they wanna play with them anymore?
Momma: I don't understand. they've got cock and balls. they should play with them.
Grandma: poppy always loves when I play with his cock and balls.
Momma: you smack around daddy's cock still, why shouldn't they beat theirs?
Grandma: tell them to come over to grandma's house. I'll play with their cock and balls.
Momma: oh momma.back to top
Crazy Love
Performed by adam sandler and lisa mordente

Transcribed by the brave raven.

Adam: you don't mind that I think everybody's a robot and all my conversations are being recorded
Lisa: and you don't mind that all of my pants are way too short on me and I also stabbed someone with a pair of scissors a long time ago (ha-ha-ha)
Adam: and you don't care that I collect dead animals from the side of the road then pretend they're alive and think I'm a famous football player
Lisa: and you don't have a problem with me when I follow people I've never met before and force them to look at the portrait of neil diamond I have tattooed on my back
Adam: it's very pretty, baby
Well you must have been sent from above
You're all that I can think of
You're just as psychotic as me
My crazy love
Adam: well it never bothers you when I wear my snowsuit to bed every night and I make you speak in tongues to me until I fall asleep
Lisa: blah bloo blah bloo bloo
Adam: thank you
Lisa: and you don't make fun of me 'cause I still make out with my stepfather and I also tell everyone I was on a ufo for two and a half years
Adam: I believe you sugarpie
'cause our love is right on track
I'm yours, your mine it's a fact
Don't forget to take your prozac
My crazy love
Adam: well yesterday I tickled a man who wasn't even there
Lisa: oh three days before that I ran down the street in my wonder woman underwear
Adam: I didn't care babe I know I never had a job 'cause I'm afraid to talk to people 'cause I know that they're all robots who are seeking information
Lisa: they can't fool you sweetheart and I know that you know that I'm the one who burned my cousin chester's house to the ground but you told the cops we were out ballroom dancing when the came
Questioned you
Adam: I ain't no fink, dollface
'cause we know that it's true
Only I could love you
We both eat with our hands
My crazy love
Lisa: my crazy, crazy love
(spoken to end)
Adam: oh I wish everybody was dead except for you, baby
Lisa: I feel the same way would you throw some macaroni on me?
Adam: oh yeah, here you go
(splurt)back to top
The Excited Southerner Meets Mel Gibson
[Adam Sandler]:
And now the excited Southerner gets to meet his favorite film actor, Mel Gibson.

Mr. Gibson? I'm sorry to bother you sir but this gentleman is a big fan and he
just wanted to say hello.

[Excited Southerner]:
Well I...I can't...believe...I'm in the...laser disc...Mr.Gibson...I...I
...I...such to...I...Braveheart' your
autograph...with a 8X10 gloss...your face was burnt though...Tina
Turner...singing a song to the...mama...mother...mother...loves you
to...Bird On the Water...not such a good picture made up for it with
the Mad a...mail...mail was so much going...and the koala'm a big fan...Golden Globe awards...if maybe the people's

Alright. That's enough. I'm sorry Mel let me get this moron outta here.back to top
The Adventures of the Cow
Performed by adam sandler, frank, and randi

Transcribed by a fan

And now a cow at bat in the bottom of the 6th inning of a little league game getting hit by a pitch

[baseball sounds and cow bell ringing,ball is hit and hits cow]
Cow: moo

And now a cow who goes skydiving for the very first time, and thinks his parachute isn't gonna open when it finnally does 40 feet from the ground

[plane sounds]
M1: alright cow, don't even think about just jump and enjoy the ride down, quit being a pansy and do it
Cow: moo
[ripcord sounds]
Cow: moo,mrr
[parachute opens]
Cow: moow

And now a cow who goes to the chicken hot drivethru and then gets halfway home before realising they forgot his french fries

[cow opening paper bag]
Cow: moo,moo
[car screeches, and turns back around]
Cow: mrr

And now a cow winning first prise in the bellyflop contest at spring break and then realises he can't swim

[cow walking towards pool, big splash]
Cow: moo
[crowd cheering]
Cow: mrr,mrr
[underwater moo]

And now a club gets a dance at a classy strip club, when a bouncer notices he doesn't have any shoes on

F1: ohh baby you like it when I dance with you
Cow: moo
F1: uh uh uh, you can't touch that
Cow: moo
Bouncer: keep your hands off the girl
Cow: moo
Bouncer: hey cow, you got no shoes on you gotta leave
Cow: moo
M2: hey watch it cow

And now a cow playing tennis against farmer stinky thumbs arbuckle when the farmer makes an obvious bad call

[tennis ball being hit]
Farmer: that was out
Cow: moo
Farmer: don't tell me it wasn't cause I saw it and that was out
Cow: moo
Farmer: by at least 3 feet that's how far, come in look there is still a mark where it's out
Cow: moo
Farmer: don't tell that was from an old ball, that was this ball and this ball was out
Cow: mrr
Farmer: you cannot see from that angle
Cow: moo

And now a cow recieves a phone call who he thinks is from a famous actor but he soon finds out it's just a practical joke

[phone rings, cow picks it up]
Farmer: hello may I speak to the cow
Cow: moo
Farmer: hi, I'm a famous actor
Cow: moo
Farmer: oh, thank you very much, I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me
Cow: moo
Farmer: why don't I make reservations?
Cow: moo
Farmer: and why don't I tell you my real name? farmer stinky thumbs arbuckle
Cow: mrr
Farmer: take that fatty
Cow: mrr
[slams down phone]

And now a cow gets his revenge on farmer stinky thumbs arbuckle

[car sounds]
Farmer: pull over, pull the vehicle to the side of the road, I am warning you for the last time.
[car hits farmer]
Farmer: oooh
Cow: moooooooooooooback to top
Dip Doodle
Performed by adam sandler

Transcribed by the brave raven.

Jabawokee ding dong slip slap slee
Dipstick paddywhack pee pee googalee gee
Polly wolly sling slang skooey dibbely doo
Wing wong ping pong king kong cheech 'n chong hop hip kagagoogoo

Hickory dickory slickory flip flap dip skip to my lou
Flim flam wham blam sam bam cunningham whack snack koochie koochie koo
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta doodle, you gotta eat grandma's stroodle
'cause she stayed up all night to make it from scratch
You gotta gish, you gotta gash, you gotta wax grandma's mustache
And lay out here socks and make sure they match
Whoa, you gotta help out your gram

Slappety dappety sling skism skasm bing bang boo
A yip, a yap, a snippety snap walla, walla scrappy dappy doo
Piddle paddle fiddle faddle widdle waddle awhee clunkety clang
A plop, a fizz, a whackety whiz, chitty chitty bang wang lang

Zippity doo dang lipidee ay oompa loompa doo
A piggly wiggly dooda stinky winky linky foo man choo
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta doodle, you gotta shave grandma's poodle
'cause grandma would do the same for you
You gotta libby, you gotta labby, you gotta hug grandma even though she's flabby
'cause you should know grandmas are people too
Whoa, you gotta love your gram

Now if you listened to the words of this song
You know they're coming straight from the heart
Never make fun of your grandma
Even when she rips a juicy fart

And remember to dip, you gotta doodle
You gotta stop playing with your noodle
'cause grandma said it will make you go blind
You gotta gipper, you gotta giper, you gotta change grandma's diaper
And then pretend that you really didn't mind
Whoa, respect to the grandmaback to top
The Excited Southerner Proposes to a Woman
Performed by adam sandler and tara

Transcribed by big brother.

[setting: a restaurant with music playing in the background]
And now the excited southerner proposes to a girl.

Girl: you wanted to ask me something?
Excited southerner: yes, I did. I - first of all I just wanted to say that you're -- very pretty girl, and i, I -- hoo -- you'the -- we've known each other for so long now, and-uh, it's ab
Ime that the two of us -- we're both getting older right now, and-uh, and I don't want to die alone, I -- tell you that much -- hoo -- getting ahead of myself -- got ta slow down, hoo-hoo, conce
E on what I'm trying to get across to you right now, hoo, I mean, whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-willing to be a house husband, you don't have to qu-qu-qu-qu-quit your job there, there,
I'm, the-, i'm, I'm -- hoo, honeymoon in the poconos, with the -- hoo, woo hoo -- sex optional -- you don't have to do what you don't want to do, hoo hoo hoo hoo, someday you're going to love m
D that -- that's fi-- til death do us part i, we'll get the chocolate cake and the sunrise and the sunset -- no prenuptial agree --
Girl: look, are you trying to ask me to marry you? because I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment.
Excited southerner: coooooo.back to top
Memory Lane
Performed by adam sandler, frank, judd, and allen

Transcribed by a fan

M1: hey, it's great to have us all out on a road trip again this is gonna be fun
[all agree]
M2: whoa,do you smell that skunk
All: yeah
M2: you know, even though it stinks it kinda reminds me of growing up
[all agree]
M3: it kinda reminds me of smelling weed
[all agree]
M1: hey, it reminds me of smelling a pussy
[all agree]
M2: it reminds me of smelling an ass
[all agree]
M4: it reminds me of smelling a 60 year old guys ass
[car screeches, he drops out of the car]
M4: hey, screw you guys I am who I am deal with it

M1: I'm glad we got rid of him his was a wierdo
M3: oh my god, that was a little out there, hey check out a water slide, man, those things always remind me of my 13th birthday party, remember that
[all agree]
M1: hey, it reminds me of that girl I met last year who was a lifegaurd at one of those things, she was unbelievable
[all agree]
M2: hey, it reminds me of that rich girl I went out with and when her dad went out of town we fooled around in his jucuzzi
[all agree]
M3: it also reminds me of the time I saw a 60 year old guy slide down one of those things and he was going so fast his bathing suit fell off, and I just stood there at his big beutiful hai
Lls flopping around, holy geez I wanted to lick em'
[car screeches he drops out of it]
M3: I hate you guys, you tricked me into sayin' that

M2: I always knew that guy was a little wierd
M1: hey, there's a pizza place it smells awesome
M2: it reminds me of the time I used to work in a pizza place
M1: it reminds me of my first date with this girl named ginger, I took her to a pizza place
M2: hey, it also reminds me of the time I ate a slice of pizza, and then went over to a 60 year old man's house and made him fuck me in the ass in front of his kids
[car screeches, he drops out of it]
M2: hey don't get all hitey mitey he wanted me to do it

M1: man they were all crazy, hey, what's that
Cow: moo
M1: oh my god, ahhhhhhhhhhh
[car chrashes]

Hey that last skit was written for a reason, if any of your buddy's have fooled around with a 60 year old man, don't throw them out of your car, or you will die, now enjoy the rest of the
.back to top
Mr. Bake-O
I'm sitting in my chair watching the TV
It's not even on but there's plenty for me to see
I just lit some crazy ass shit
That my friend overnight mailed to me

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I ever tasted
I think they fucking laced it
Cuz I'm so damn lambasted

Well, my friend came over so I packed him a pipe
I told him he better go easy with this shit but he didn't believe the hype
He sparked three bowls just to show he could take it
Two minutes later he was playing backgammon naked

He's fucking wasted
It's the best shit he ever tasted
He's lost in fucking spaced-ed
Cuz he's so wicked wicked wasted

Oh I spent the last two hours hiding under my bed
Cuz I looked in the garbage can and I think I saw my Uncle Louie's head
I'm fucking wasted

Well, my friend blew a hit into my pet bird's face
The bird laughed hysterically and started to moonwalk all over the place
He tripped over the toaster wire and fell on his beak
He looked at the two of us and he started to speak

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I've ever tasted
My brain's been erased-ed
I'm fucking fried

I'm sitting in the bathtub wanting something to eat
I wanted a pizza the bird said "Pepperoni would be sweet"
Delivery guy showed up four hours later, handed me his shoe
I said "We ordered pizza buddy, what the hell's up with you?"

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I ever fucking tasted
Oh fucking shit
I'm way too baked

"tabbed" out 11/20/02 by =jl=back to top
Sex or Weight Lifting
[Adam Sandler]:
Hey how ya doin'? My name's Barry Lakin and I'm here with the man on the street
quiz. This weeks's show is a doozy man, it really is. I went around the country
with my tape recorder and I taped different people having sex. I would just sit
outside their bedroom windows without anybody knowin' and I would press record
and these people would wail away on each other man they would really go at it
and I captured it on tape. Also I went around the country and I taped people in
weight rooms workin' out man. I would just sit there with my tape recorder,
press record, and these people would have themselves a workout man and I got
that on tape. Now I'm gonna play these tapes for people on the street and see
if they know the difference between people working out and people havin' sex.
Sir, what's your name?

Hi, how ya doin'? My name's Gregory Miner.

[Adam Sandler]:
Oh terrific. My name's Barry Lakin.

Uh huh

[Adam Sandler]:
And let me tell you what I did man. I went around the country and taped people
having sex

Uh huh

[Adam Sandler]:
I also taped people workin' out in a weight room man. I'm gonna play one of the
two tapes for you right now


[Adam Sandler]:
You dig? You tell me which of the two they're doin' okay? Workin' out or havin'

Yeah I got ya

[Adam Sandler]:
Alright I'm pressing the play button...Now.

{Moans and screams}

[Adam Sandler]:
What do you think?

Well that's people having sex.

[Adam Sandler]:
No they were doing a Military Press

But..but they...

[Adam Sandler]:
No you're wrong. Thank you very much for stopping by. Amazing what people will
hear. When the human ear wants to hear sex, it hears sex. Hmm. Let's move on to
someone else. Sir, what's your name?

Uh hi my name is Ron.

[Adam Sandler]:
Ron, what's your last name, quick.

Ron Johnson.

[Adam Sandler]:
Alright, that's good enough. My name's Barry Lakin.

Nice to meet you Barry.

[Adam Sandler]:
Terrific. What I'm gonna do now is play a tape for you. And you tell me if
these people are havin' sex..


[Adam Sandler]:
See how he says yeah? Or working out in a fitness center.

Uh huh

[Adam Sandler]:
I'm pressing play...Now.

{Moans and screams}

[Adam Sandler]:
And what do you think?

Uh, that was two gay men having sex.

[Adam Sandler]:
No those were two men doing Butterfly Curls.

Sounded like two gay guys having sex.

[Adam Sandler]:
Well no sir, you are dead wrong.


[Adam Sandler]:
Thanks for stopping by. Wow, interesting. Two men, on tape, working out,
building their pectorial muscles. And this man hears gay sex. Which leads me to
the conclusion that this man is either gay himself or not straight. Moving
along. And older gentleman. How are ya sir, what's your name?

Uh Larry Bartowski

[Adam Sandler]:
And Larry, how old are you?

I am 62.

[Adam Sandler]:
My name's Barry Lakin.

Nice to meet you Barry.

[Adam Sandler]:
Terrific. Larry, I'm gonna play a tape for ya. Now you have to tell me if these
two people are having sex or working out. Are you ready sir?

I think I'll be able to do this.

[Adam Sandler]:
Alright sir. Here we go. And play.

{Moans and screams}

[Adam Sandler]:
Okay sir. What was that? Sex or weight lifting?

That was definitely two people having sex.

[Adam Sandler]:
No they were doing Leg Squats.

You're kidding me? They were not having sex?

[Adam Sandler]:
No sir, you are way off base.

I don't believe it.

[Adam Sandler]:
Alright I'll play it back for you again sir. And if you get it right this time,
you the only one who did. Okay

{Moans and screams}

[Adam Sandler]:
Okay, here's your second chance. What do you think?

Those people were definitely having sex.

[Adam Sandler]:
No wrong again, sir. Thanks for playing the game.

You're kidding me. They, they...

[Adam Sandler]:
Alright sir, I'm moving on, I appreciate it.

They were having sex.

[Adam Sandler]:
Alright that's in your head. Bye bye. Well we learned a lot about men today.
Let's move on to women. How are you?


[Adam Sandler]:
My name's Barry Lakin.


[Adam Sandler]:
Hi. What's your name?

Uh Jessica Sanders.

[Adam Sandler]:
Okay Jessica. What I'm gonna do right now is record something, not play, but

Oh okay.

[Adam Sandler]:
I'm gonna ask you to close your eyes now. And I'm gonna record something. Then
I'm gonna play it back to you. And you're gonna have to tell me if these to
people are having sex or working out in a gym.


[Adam Sandler]:
Okay, close your eyes. I'm hitting record now. Pay no attention to what's going

You're unzipping my pants.

[Adam Sandler]:
Yeah that's right. Keep your eyes closed I'm recording something.

Oh that feels good.

[Adam Sandler]:
Mm-hmm, yeah it feels good here too. Alright. Okay, I'm gonna slow down or I'm
in trouble. Ahh too late I'm gonna blow it here we go

You got shit all over me.

[Adam Sandler]:
Alright. Okay let me hit stop. And let me rewind that one. Alright now I'm
gonna play it back for you. Are these people having sex or are they in a weight
room. Here we go.


[Adam Sandler]:
Now what do you think?

That was you having sex with me.

[Adam Sandler]:
That's right and thanks for stoppin' by. Okay. Well, until next time this is
Barry Lakin sayin all the world is schlach.back to top
What the Hell Happened to Me?
Performed by adam sandler

Transcribed by drkxpacdx.

Hey you guys, I just wanted to thank you for listening to the record and I hope you had as much fun as I did and here's one last little diddy just for you.

I used to ride my big wheel, and sell lemonade,
Eat popcorn with grandpa while we watched the parade
But now I'm only happy when I'm drinking j.d.
What the hell happened to me?

I used to have fun throwing snowballs with my best friend billy
And mom would make us cocoa if we got too chilly
But now I only get excited when I see a girl pee
What the hell happened to me?

I used to be the nicest kid in the neighborhood
I only did the things that momma said I should
But now I just do whatever I want
I even whipped it out in a restaurant

I used to help clean the park in the middle of town
And then played kickball til the sun went down
But now all I do is get vd,
What the hell happened to me?

It makes no sense
I can't believe I ended on me
I'm out of my gourd
Won't somebody please, help me?

A do-do-do-do doo a do-do waa do-do-we-oh

I'm kind of a wierdoback to top
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